Mental Health

Undermining Myself

I take a medication to manage my depression twice per day, once in the morning and once in the early afternoon. It’s been an absolute life saver and provides a safety net for when I misstep on the tightrope, it keeps me from slamming into the floor. 

The medication has a half life of 8 hours, and has a big red label to not drink any kind of alcohol. The result of mixing the two is that they intensify one another. I become radically impaired from the alcohol…one regular beer will send the room spinning…and the medication pours into my system, kicking my speech into joyful rapid fire. The hangovers are devastating. 

I’ve done it anyway, of course. I’ve learned that if I skip my afternoon dose then I can drink in the evening with less consequences. 

I’m not sure why I, when I’m fully capable of planning ahead and managing my mental health in a positive way, choose instead to plan hours in advance to be self-destructive. The intoxication isn’t fun. I get the alcohol munchies like anyone else which leads to binge eating. 

It’s a really strange thing to wish that one illness overtake another. As weird as it sounds, if I could let food run my life once again it might all be a little less complicated. 

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