This past week I’ve worked 85 hours. I am also taking 17 college units as well as working to build this website. My days begin at 5am and end at midnight. For five hours each night I fall into a completely dreamless state of unconsciousness. To say I am exhausted would be an understatement.
Wrapped up in all this has been an absolute shutdown of my desire and ability to feed myself.
One of the benefits of my job is that I get to take home a big box of organic fruits and vegetables every week. Two weeks ago I brought home my box and put it in the fridge, where it remained untouched until yesterday when I threw it away. This past week I forgot to bring it home at all.
Earlier this week I woke up in a terrible mood and realized it was because I haven’t showered in 10 days or eaten in 48 hours. Nothing sounds good to eat, and because I both don’t suffer from body odor and own a can of dry shampoo I did not see a reason to make the effort. I was being much too productive to take that time away. Besides, after a day or two of not eating your body goes into a sort of survival mode and you no longer feeling hungry.
For people suffering from mixed states of bipolar disorder, there is a certain enjoyment in self destruction. You want to see how far you can push it. Intellectually you know you will soon be going down in flames, but for now you are running on all cylinders. It’s exhilarating. There is an intense overestimation of your abilities that have no basis in reality.
As a larger society, a drive to achieve is applauded. And who doesn’t wish they could stop eating for a few days in order to fit into a smaller size? I am the embodiment of society’s expectations. That praise makes it hard to stop.
Motivational inertia is a hell of a thing. I know that once I slow down I will have to deal with whatever is causing this flurry of activity. I’m not ready for that.